Sunday, November 4, 2018

How To...


I’ve sat here for hours, swaddled in an antique quilt my mother made for me.  I am physically half freezing to death from the cooler temperatures and quite frustrated emotionally from the constant pressure building inside my head.  I didn’t realize how much time had passed since sitting down with my computer and starting my online search.  I’m a person that “Googles” everything.  I hardly even know my way around this new town because I just listen to Google Maps.  It tells me when to turn or when to backtrack.  Come to think of it, I accomplish very little without searching the internet. Suffice it to say that if there’s a subject consuming me, then time will go by in a blink. This morning, my search began with, “motion court to not speak to ex-husband.”  That search led to “how to stop the verbal and psychological abuse from an ex. “ 
            I am well aware that everyone has their own definition of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse.  That’s quite possibly due to the fact that everyone has their own boiling points.  I believe that I have a high pain threshold and I am mentally strong.  I could, at one time, describe myself as having the patience of a saint.  That’s not a compliment exactly.  In fact, I was patient to a fault.  And, so, I’m definitely to blame to some degree for my ex thinking he can constantly walk on me; that he can fabricate the most atrocious lies about me; that he can tell me what I will do “or else.”  I let him manipulate me and control me for more than 2 decades.  No, I’m not taking full responsibility.  But, I met him, married him, had a family with him stayed for too long. 
          I stayed for 22 years with a man that I thought I adored, and I’m thankful I no longer want in my life.  And, at the same time, I wish he and I could just be civil.  In the end, there is not another person that could laugh the deepest of laughs with me when my silly kids do something hilarious.  There isn’t anyone else that really, really knows our family’s inside jokes.  But, when that person whom you have given so much to has to strike below the belt and aim to do harm to you all the time, that’s when you just need no contact.  None.
            I wonder what it would be like to start and end my day without some fear creeping in.  None.  I’d love the opportunity to wake relaxed and able to easily laugh.  I can’t remember the last time I felt like my world was peaceful and balanced.  There is a feeling like the other shoe is going to drop every day.  I do my very best to fight that feeling and stay positive.  It’s one I’ve had to contend with since 1996. It’s been such a long couple of decades.  It’s not paranoia and it’s not that I am crazy.  I guess if I were though, I’d still be denying it.  Right?  Anyway, this man is always tactically planning his next move to hurt me.  He lives to interrupt my life.  I would be lying if I didn’t tell you honestly that he pretty much accomplishes this regularly.  This is not at all an exaggeration.  He was relished as a master tactician in the military; he received award after award for his military leadership and brilliance.  He was a 20 year infantryman; deployed to combat many times; well trained and has the hands on experience.  
            If I’m to speak truthfully, he is magnificent at it.  He’s endearing, handsome, and charismatic and you just cannot help but to believe him.  I still get sucked in at times with believing he has some kindness.  And, I’ll be damned if every time I give an inch, I wake up in a huge pile of rubble dazed, confused and broken hearted.  There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that he won’t say or do to someone he views as his enemy.  And, he’ll look honest, caring and selfless to his audience. 
            Luckily for me, I do get small slivers of my life back…piece by piece.  It’s a slow process of rebuilding self-esteem and courage.  It’s a hard lesson to learn when it comes to setting boundaries and digging your heals in.  Someday, I believe he will get what is due to him.  I just refuse to be the one to do it.  Whatever happens, I keep looking forward.  And, I’m not turning around as often to see if he is lurking in the shadows or how close he is to catching up to me.  I know he’s there without even looking over my shoulder.  He’s planning; he’s manipulating; he is lying.  But, it’s getting easier because there are only so many times someone can shatter the heart of another and then it becomes expected.  The receiver anticipates wrongdoings and prepares.  The heart goes numb, but the brain goes into an endless cycle of preparation; always trying to sort out whether to be on the offense or defense.  It’s a tiring experience and ends in hours Googling ways to make things better.  It always ends in, “how to co parent with a narcissist.”  And sadly, the answer is one can’t.



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