He's Worth Every Penny

If I had to stand on a hill and stand for something until my dying breath, I would fight for God.  

When I was a little girl, I remember dark nights with tragic events.  I remember feeling terror, pain, and an incredible amount of brokenness.  And, yet, my earliest desires in life was to be a missionary.  I collected pennies, labeled a baby food jar “missionary trips,” and believed I could save the world.  One child at a time.

As the years went by, I remember going through middle school and high school making outrageous, risky and life threatening choices.  To this day, I don’t know why God placed a hedge of protection around me.  I cannot be sure why I am not dead or living a very different life.  But, I do live with guilt and regrets.  That’s on me and a cross I cannot seem to put down and leave at His feet.

As a teenager, I married awfully young and somehow shoved my childhood burdens way down deep.  I moved through the next 22 years believing that I could make my life perfect and my marriage unbreakable if I just worked hard, aggressively and consistently.

I realized after a few tumultuous years that my marriage was beyond over.  It was never a marriage on solid footings.  I wholeheartedly accepted that I had an adult son ridden with demons, a pre-teen daughter struggling for some remnant of stability and a young autistic son that seemed to co-exist in our family, but he was completely unaware of the rage, hurt and pain that was bubbling to the top.

And then I walked away.  I broke my covenant with God and my husband.  And I was, once again, having to face dark nights and tragic events; overwhelmed with the feelings of terror, pain and an incredible amount of brokenness.

I spent months screaming and cursing at God.  I spent hours with my face buried in the floor begging for just a morsel of peace.  It was a pain I could never express and I pray daily that others never have to experience it. 

I turned my back on Him.  It wasn’t that I didn’t believe He existed.  I believed I was no longer worthy and I simply walked away from being in His presence. I’m not sure why I did that because my mere existence today is evidence that He lifted me up and carried me through months and months of soul shattering pain.  Years actually.

He created me.  He loved me and made me perfect in His own image.  The issues in my life are not from Him making me suffer.  Some of my issues are those I created with the gift of free will.  Some of the issues in my life are those that others created with the gift of their free will.

Never once has He presented me with evil, fear, manipulation, hate, rage or jealousy.  He does not do that to His children.  He brought me out of years of abuse throughout every stage of my life.  And He gave me revelation of how people are comfortable with making poor decisions, only to blame Him, their childhood or other people. 

I miss many things in my life.  Mostly, I miss that I never had the life that He wanted for me.  He wanted me to find my calling and go after it! 

I forgot that little girl that couldn’t wait to find a copper penny on the floor! 

He is real, but He is only as real to you as you allow Him to be in your life.  

Every person will eventually face a crisis where no amount of human love and support will make you feel spiritually whole again.  It’s not possible that one person can carry that cross to help you day and night, of any hour, of every day through times that you cannot understand.

In the moments of true despair, when the emotional pain manifests into physical pain – body trembling, unable to breathe, heart racing, filled with anxiety over a tremendous loss kind of pain – peace can be found in a moment that you humble yourself before Him. 

In an instant, and if only for an instant, He gives me peace.  And one minute, one hour, one day at a time, He never fails to be with me every time I call upon him.

I try to relate to those that do not believe in God.  I try to find some way of connecting with them and I see that they do not believe in Him because of their brokenness. 

But, it's in the broken moments that most will come to know God.  It’s in the most painful lessons that we realize that nothing on this earth will give us comfort and revelation like Him.  I’m thankful that He was with me when I wasn’t even old enough to read a book, but I knew what evil was already.  And, while hurt and sin is part of everyday life for me, I don’t have to carry that culminating burden day after day. 

He is my moral compass. He is the alarm in my head to step away from situations.  He is my protector against those that will hurt me.  He has my back and is ever present.  He is my provider.

There will never be a time that my faith is broken, even when my heart is shattered.  He has been my father, groom, provider and friend.  He knows me better than I know myself.  He does not let me off easy for my ridiculous choices.  And He is my biggest cheerleader.  I know when He is proud of me.  I can feel it in my heart and soul.

Like the little girl in the church pew, holding her baby food jar, asking for pennies…I am excited to know that He is proud of the choices I make.  His guidance and love is worth every penny.